The Indian guy at the Marble Slab Creamery gets irate with Carlito. Dadead is helping us look for Alki David and puts his step-daughter on the line. Trainwreck and Carlito discover the Hawaiian Pizza Hut call center for the first time. We are taking down drones flying over our property and calling the owners back. Nova talks some Freemasons shit. Dwight McLanahan joins us for some prank calls as well.
A short show with Carlito and Laugh Track Matt. How much feces (or baby mice) will fit in a saxamaphone? We don’t want a babysitter to perform sexual dances or be verbally abusive to our kid. Carlito’s weimaraner is complaining to him about the cats pissing on him. Flipping forklifts into appliances at our favorite Lowe’s.
Carlito is calling around looking for a Mr. Al Abia. A man is looking for a skin cream product that will help his mistress’s unique skin problem. Looking at and ogling the Zappos product models. Looking for help and suggestions setting up a homosexual quickie between homeless men. Trying to get the timing right of a fraudulent pizza order.
Milkman is annoying Carlito with his open car window. Dirty Aaron also joins for some prank calls. Trying to order boxwood, one unit of floor and toilet batteries from the home improvement store. A homeless shelter is in violation of good Samaritan laws. Looking for a cheesecake with all the shit on it.
Carlito is trying to bribe a loss prevention officer into altering security camera footage at a store. The fleet needs help finding the Tomb of Athena. Carlito is trying to place an order for an obscene amount of free samples from Baskin-Robbins. Carlito becomes the Breaker King by setting the world record for fastest power breaker call. A woman is not qualified to answer a technical question. We send Indian food to Leo Laporte at the TWiT studio.
Big Tuck returns to join Carlito and Milkman for the nine year anniversary of Madhouse Radio’s first episode. Carlito is trying to book a family dinner at Buca DiBeppo but advises tables will be flipped. Taking a baseball bat to a rented video projector. A Columbian man doesn’t want dirty Peruvians making his food. We’re making our own sour cream.
Carlito wants to commit carnal knowledge with a tortilla at a Mexican restaurant. Juicing on the phone while talking to the gym. The Enterprise-E needs plasma to travel forward in time with some whales. Silly restaurant orders lead to 911 being called. Costco Vision Center can’t deny entry without a membership.
Vietnamese Pho is great for bowel movements and hangovers. Carlito is being discriminated against while trying to open a bank account. Buying a satanic Cadillac Devil car machine. ABC Channel 7 is way too loud so Carlito calls the station to have them turn it down. Looking to take a baseball bat to a car during a test drive.
Carlito is employing concierges to find out information on lion genital sizes and animatronic gorillas. A Lowe’s manager is upset when Carlito reports he has broken something in the store men’s restroom (or is it the women’s… or the shower display). Attempting to set up a good time at a movie theatre. A chicken has cornered Carlito in his hotel bathroom once again.
We’re All Excited About the 4th of July! Guests staying in hotels are accused of lighting fireworks in their rooms. Clerks repeatedly get upset after being called honey baby. The Turkish Horse has left threatening voicemails for Carlos. More Denny’s orders for eggs cooked with heat.
It’s Canada Day and Carlito is going around the country celebrating with firecrackers, rude requests and a search for Darkstranger. The Medieval Times dinner theatre show is accused of rigging contest outcomes and having sexually intimidating knights in armor performing. Carlito wants to be bathed in the precious blood and earn the destructive powers of Jesus. It’s probably not cool to ask the guy at Best Buy which camera is best for pirating new release movies.
Show Notes:
| 0:00:43 | Carlito gets hung up on |
| 0:01:28 | Carlito calls back upset that he got hung up on |
| 0:06:16 | Hung up on for being too excited |
| 0:06:43 | Carlito confronts the West Indian lady who hung up on him for not being serious enough |
| 0:10:29 | Charges for extra condiments at Canadian McDonalds Machine |
| 0:12:44 | Ordering one coffee brewed with heat |
| 0:14:51 | You open today motherfucker? |
| 0:16:42 | Carlito wants to light some fireworks in the gas station parking lot |
| 0:20:19 | Calling Wayne Gretsky’s restaurant to inform he just died in a plan crash |
| 0:23:24 | Nonsense order leads to a manager hangup |
| 0:26:53 | ..calling another location to complain |
| 0:32:39 | Bringing a baseball bat to the auqarium (2 calls) |
| 0:38:20 | Ordering a cold meat sandwich from Subway |
| 0:42:27 | Carlito is lighting fireworks in the hotel elevator |
| 0:43:26 | Kimchee order, asking about the toilet |
| 0:46:09 | Complaining about the yellow knight on the Medieval Times show |
| 0:49:40 | Gambling on the Medieval Times show |
| 0:53:00 | Are you colored? |
| 0:53:41 | The precious blood |
| 0:54:50 | 2nd call to the precious blood society |
| 0:55:17 | Another precious blood call |
| 0:56:27 | Al Abia is upset about the shitty office furniture |
| 0:59:41 | Ordering one boiled spaghettis |
| 1:01:40 | Classic Reclude Prank – Mr. White Devil |
| 1:08:35 | Cancelling the spaghetti order |
| 1:08:35 | Nonsesne Panera Bread order |
| 1:10:45 | ..calling back to continue order |
| 1:15:12 | Hung up on Jesus pooping and farting |
| 1:33:46 | Bakery order |
| 1:48:38 | Search for Darkstranger 1 (Taco Bell) |
| 1:51:21 | Search for Darkstranger 2 (Walmart) |
| 1:53:22 | Search for Darkstranger 3 (Holiday Inn Express) |
| 1:56:28 | Search for Darkstranger 4 (International Airport) |
| 1:56:35 | Quebbecois hang up |
| 1:57:10 | Dennys arugment (2 calls) |
| 1:59:31 | Another Dennys (3 calls) |
| 2:05:11 | Ordering Foo Potatoes from yet another Dennys |
| 2:12:10 | More nonsense orders |
| 2:16:12 | Boil the water and put the shit in (Shout out to Enigma420) |
| 2:16:46 | Ordering one coffee made with heat and water |
| 2:19:28 | Calling for the boiled spaghetti again |
| 2:20:31 | Ordering fire sauce direct from Taco Bell |
| 2:26:41 | Ordering juice |
| 2:30:00 | An insane Starbucks order |
| 2:31:24 | Ordering food from the liquor store |
| 2:32:46 | Ordering one meat from the meat department |
| 2:37:17 | Ordering one tea time |
| 2:39:40 | I am from Canada |
| 2:42:00 | Best Buy (Whats the best camera to pirate movies with?) |
| 2:47:31 | One Bahnchod |
A Greek man gets upset with Carlito’s taunting after his team’s loss in the 2014 World Cup.
Greece loses in the 2014 World Cup and Carlito harrases several Greek restaurants during and right after the loss. Carlito debuts Lowe’s Roulette – a game in which listeners in the chat room choose which department gets pranked. Looking to run experiments on tropical fish in a pet store and calling on Craigslist ads for dog machines.
Show Notes:
| 0:00:32 | Looking to buy a motorcycle |
| 0:04:57 | Looking for a dog machine |
| 0:05:50 | Looking for a lost dog machine |
| 0:07:28 | Looking to sabotage fish tanks at a pet store |
| 0:13:36 | Looking to get a dog groomed |
| 0:14:46 | Calling a different groomer |
| 0:15:58 | Lumber dept quick hangup |
| 0:16:36 | The operator |
| 0:18:13 | Big fat Frank in the electrical department |
| 0:19:26 | Lumber once again, asking about 2X4s |
| 0:24:16 | Hardware and tools department |
| 0:31:10 | Install department |
| 0:33:56 | Calling Big Stephanie back |
| 0:34:29 | Talking to Big Fat Leonard |
| 0:36:52 | Talking it out with the tools department |
| 0:41:27 | Appliance department, looking for a washing machine that will make my wife get off |
| 0:44:27 | Delivery department |
| 0:48:31 | Appliance department again |
| 0:50:55 | Another lumber quick hangup |
| 0:52:02 | Calling lumber back, buying some plywood |
| 0:57:19 | Another electrical call |
| 1:03:26 | Paint department |
| 1:17:43 | Greel Taverna Opa |
| 1:09:27 | Greek Taverna Opa 2 |
| 1:10:06 | Greek Olympia not watching the game |
| 1:10:06 | Greek Flame Restaurant (first call before loss) |
| 1:14:17 | Greek Corner doesn’t have the game either |
| 1:15:48 | Silly greek call |
| 1:17:38 | Unable to get Greeks to cycle their power breakers |
| 1:29:18 | Eating man thinks the monkeys are going to get beat |
| 1:32:01 | Is the Greek boss fornicating? |
| 1:34:59 | Lowes Roulette 2 – Calling the Millwork department for cider |
| 1:38:35 | Greek Taverna Opa 3 |
| 1:42:29 | Greek Flame 2 (Super Angry Greek Man) upset over loss |
| 1:46:26 | Another Greek loser |
| 1:47:33 | Yet another Greek loser |
| 1:49:22 | Final call to Greek Taverna Opa |
A short collection of prank calls performed live on Friday June 27th of 2014 before Art of Phonelarking
Show Notes:
| 0:00:04 | Why does it take so long to get a hold of Target? |
| 0:00:36 | ..calling back to complain some more |
| 0:02:57 | Ordering one smoothies – cold |
| 0:06:03 | Ordering pills and a machine from the inferior female/Indian pharmacists |
| 0:09:34 | Couldn’t use the drive-thru |
| 0:10:53 | Calling Ihop |
| 0:12:34 | Ordering magazine for the toilet |
| 0:13:22 | Looking for a fabric called Huuhhhhhhhhhh |
Carlito calls several more businesses wanting to bring a baseball bat with him. Puff Daddy shoots his gun in the air while Rick Ross destroys our rental car. Carlito tries to take a life insurnce policy out on a car mechanic just in case his car explodes while the gas tank is dropped. An angry black hotel clerk goes off on Carlito.
Show Notes:
| 0:00:36 | Speaking latin to the latin school goes nowhere |
| 0:01:28 | Wanting to bring a baseball bat into a showroom |
| 0:03:49 | Calling the dog food company with concerns |
| 0:11:55 | Making weird noises with the camera store people |
| 0:14:26 | Hey boy how you doing? |
| 0:14:46 | Talking shit to the legal secretary |
| 0:17:39 | Checking how strong the sneeze-guard glass at the Subway is |
| 0:18:55 | How you doing Big Fat Katie? |
| 0:20:10 | Is the doctor fornicating today? |
| 0:20:36 | Talking to the office receptionist after having a threesome with two of the lawyers |
| 0:25:16 | Hung up after complaining about the long silence |
| 0:26:30 | ..calling back their other line |
| 0:30:46 | |
| 0:32:06 | Stupid dogs and shit |
| 0:34:21 | ..connecting a bahnchod on the line on behalf of the guy at Stupid Dogs |
| 0:35:36 | Ordering some heat |
| 0:37:12 | What’s your name brah? |
| 0:38:00 | Iced coffee warnings at McDonalds |
| 0:39:49 | Trying to board an American Agressive Pitbull |
| 0:44:54 | Red Robin complaint |
| 0:49:23 | Historical society |
| 0:51:41 | Meep meep |
| 0:52:01 | Big Amber hangs up quick |
| 0:52:16 | trying Amber again, bringing a baseball bat to look at furniture |
| 0:59:23 | Leon calling Men’s Wearhouse looking for Labia design tuxedos |
| 0:59:23 | ..Calling the Longhorn Steakhouse next door |
| 1:03:53 | Asking for pheromone spray to be added to Chipotle food |
| 1:05:15 | Ordering one wood |
| 1:09:46 | The Sears Automotive Insurance Saga Part 1 |
| 1:13:02 | ..connecting the insurance agency to take out a policy to drop the tank |
| 1:17:26 | ..calling automotive back to set up the insurance policy |
| 1:20:35 | Question about catering and a flaming illuminati display |
| 1:25:48 | Animal hopsital |
| 1:27:27 | Printing a newspaper slandering a waitress |
| 1:28:42 | Sears Automotive Insurance Saga Part 2 |
| 1:32:57 | ..connecting the Automotive guy again |
| 1:34:18 | Got punched in the face and broke all teeth |
| 1:41:39 | The pastor said he was going to destroy us |
| 1:43:43 | Do you cover train machines? Orthodontist comes back from long hold |
| 1:45:02 | Calling back the travel agent who hung up |
| 1:46:09 | No baseball bats at the Subway |
| 1:47:16 | Ordering one everything |
| 1:51:22 | Looking for my grandfather (2 calls) |
| 1:53:02 | Grocery store drama |
| 1:56:46 | Another McDonalds iced coffee warning call |
| 1:58:34 | Whats the best battery to break a car window with |
| 1:59:20 | Shipping 42 lbs of batteries and having the delivery man through it through the window |
| 2:02:24 | No hot dogs on the warmer |
| 2:03:12 | Causing a soccer riot |
| 2:06:55 | Calling Beef Bowl back about toilet problems |
| 2:11:40 | Checking back in on the grocery drama |
| 2:13:05 | Trying to get some coffee hand delivered to the hotel |
| 2:14:43 | The Illuminati calling to extend an invitation |
| 2:15:49 | Orson Welles Jr lost his wedding ring in the car wash vacuum cleaner |
| 2:18:28 | Getting details on the partitions in the bathrooms |
| 2:23:19 | Another bathroom floor plan call |
| 2:25:31 | How fast is the curry? |
| 2:26:00 | Needing pilated to strengthen the bowel core |
| 2:28:26 | Indian market |
| 2:30:40 | Making an order while eating |
| 2:32:40 | Starting more grocery store drama |
| 2:34:19 | Bringing a baseball bat to look at cameras at Best Buy |
| 2:34:19 | Trying to order one gasoline |
| 2:37:05 | Wanting to see aquatic animal sexual organs |
| 2:39:33 | A very angry black woman appears while calling a hotel about sexual organs and colored people (3 calls) |
| 2:48:58 | Fuckers! |
| 2:54:16 | Rick Ross took a baseball bat to Carlito’s rental car |
| 2:58:45 | Effeminate coffee man |
| 2:59:46 | Adobo |
| 3:00:38 | Making wax |
| 3:01:45 | The price of one beers |
| 3:03:10 | White people cracker clothing |
| 3:05:08 | Just getting my hair washed |
| 3:06:14 | Getting invitations that don’t look like crap |
| 3:07:36 | Took a baseball bat to the backroom of the shoe store |
| 3:09:33 | Anthony in the toilet |
| 3:10:33 | Call goes nowhere |
| 3:10:53 | Looking for the smallest cell phone possible to sneak into a prison with a condom |
| 3:12:48 | No Davidoffs |
| 3:16:43 | Getting cranberry and feces out of a white suit |
| 3:18:10 | Is this a black people barber shop? |
| 3:20:21 | Translating random noises |
| 3:21:09 | What juice is good for bowel movements? |
| 3:23:15 | Is this white people clothing? |
| 3:24:37 | Ordering concha |
| 3:25:41 | Ordering one pizza machine with five spaces |
| 3:27:03 | Another cigar machine call |
| 3:29:06 | How many spaces of salt air |
| 3:31:37 | Looking for Carl Sanders in the library (2) calls) |
| 3:32:58 | Checking on the paper machine |
| 3:34:19 | One final creepy call |
Music in this show: A tribute to the Notorious B.I.G. including the albums Ready to Die and Life after Death.
| MOTHERFUCKERS ARE LISTENING DAMMIT |
